I Need A Massage, but I'll Just Take Another Shift Instead

I am in a precarious position this summer.

I've opted out of taking classes this summer, in the hopes of delaying my inevitable graduation and descent into reality. I am, however, working 60 hours a week, both to pay the bills and save some dollars for my study abroad trip to Belfast this fall. So here's my situation: I have no money and very little time or energy to have any fun. I also spend a great amount of time stressing myself out.

But I am nothing if not a resourceful little bunny-rabbit, and I find free ways to give myself a good time, if on a limited budget, with a limited time frame and limited sanity. So I'm going to start a new miniseries:

Emma's Tips for the Financially Deficient and Really, Really Stressed Out.

Number 1:
Go outside.

Seriously. If you're like me, and you spend a good 12 hours of your work-day staring at a computer screen and breathing recycled air, you will begin to long for sunshine. I know it seems obvious, but it astonished me how easy is was to get into the routine of getting up, taking the bus to work, staying inside for lunch, and going home well after dark. Then on the weekends, I was so tired I decided to spend the entire day inside watching re-runs of The X-Files. Not only was my skin pasty and sallow, but I was tired and depressed. I recommend a healthy dose of beach sand (with sunscreen, of course). Most Boston city beaches are free, and you can spend the whole day soaking up delicious Vitamin D from the sun's rays. Yeah, I know, Boston beaches aren't that great, blah, blah, blah. But as a girl from land-locked Ohio, I can tell you that you start to appreciate what you can get. Go to Trader Joe's (easily the cheapest grocery store in the area) and stock up on snacks. Take your one measly day off, pray that it's actually sunny and save the re-runs for after dark.

Correction: In an earlier version of this posting I cited Vitamin E as a benefit of sunlight. It, in fact, is Vitamin D.

Posted by ejohnson at 10:03 AM

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Sallie Mae is Totally Your BFF

Are you friends with Sallie Mae?

I am. My parents are friends with Sallie Mae too. We borrowed money from her when I went to college. She was really nice about it- I don't have to pay any of the money back until I graduate. Sallie's a nice chick.

Unfortunately, within the past couple months we've learned that the universities are friends with Sallie Mae (and other lenders too.) Sallie gave them money and kickbacks, in exchange for promoting her to their students. Sallie had to pay $2 million, and promise to stop being friends with university officials. The officials were pretty sad, but Sallie was a bad influence. It was for the best.

Ok, enough silliness.

Sallie Mae may not be able to be such good friends with universities, but she is still BFF with the government- as are banks and other private lenders. Madeleine May Kunin, former governor of Vermont and deputy secretary of education from 1993-1996 wrote a juicy little op-ed piece for the Times on the subject. She cited the need for expanded direct loans that come directly from the government and eliminate the middle man (like the William D. Ford Federal Direct Loan Program) as a way to streamline the process for students, lower interest rates and actually save taxpayers money. Read it!

Posted by ejohnson at 12:09 PM

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A Want of Civility

I have a new job.

Actually I've had the job for about a month; I just haven't had the time or the wherewithal to write about it.

I'm doing telephone fundraising for an arts program (I'll refrain from naming names, as a girl needs a little mystery in her life.) Basically I call up people who've partaken of The-Arts-Program-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named and ask them for money to fund said Program. It's a good job, and I generally enjoy getting to talk to people about art. And the vast majority of the people I call, even if they don't give money, are pleasant to speak to and accommodating.

The thing that has surprised me about this position is not that people are sometimes mean to me on the phone. I've done telemarketing before, and I know how these things go. What surprises me is the absolute rage some of them exhibit when I have the unmitigated gall to call them on the telephone. Remember, these are people who have partaken of unnamed arts program and have freely given us their phone number. We aren't cold-calling. Moreover, forgive me, but it seems that people who engage in the arts should be a little more… civilized.

I'll give you an example:

Me: Hello, may I speak to Mrs. Smith?

Mrs. Smith: Yeah that's me, who is this?

Me: Mrs. Smith, my name is Emma, and I'm calling from (blank). How are you today?

Mrs. Smith: What do you want?

Me: Umm, well I'm calling today on behalf of (blank). I was wondering how you enjoyed (blank)?

Mrs. Smith: (yelling) I work nights, and I was asleep when you called. It's a SUNDAY and I don’t receive telemarketers on Sunday, I don't know who you think you are, but this is the third time I've talked to you people, and I want to be taken off your list, and if you call me again I'm going to contact the state attorney general and have your butts dragged into court. *Click*

Oh course this is exaggerated a bit- most of the angry calls I get only use one of these reasons for being enraged (for the record all of the things said above have been said to me in one form or another.)

I understand why people don't want telemarketers calling them. I'm annoyed when I'm interrupted during dinner to answer a call about my long-distance service, etc., etc. I know you’re tired and you've worked a long day and don't want to be bothered. And there are persistent telemarketers who don't listen and who don't take you off their call list. But I am not one of them. And though I am a stranger who you will never speak to again, I am a human being. I'm a college student currently working almost 60 hours a week to pay my rent and save money for the coming semester. I may be annoying but I still deserve your respect. All you have to say to me is “Sorry, not interested, can you please take me off your call list? Thank you!” That's all you have to say. So let's all just calm down and remember that we are all just people trying to make our way in the world.

I'll tell you what my mother once said to me as a child, when I was having problems with my bratty little brother:

“I know he's annoying. You don't have to like him. But you have to be civil to him. Can you be civil?”

Posted by ejohnson at 11:59 AM

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Revenge of the Second Banana

Intriguing article in the Times today about a college phenomenon I have been watching for the past three years:

The rise of the second tier schools.

Tons of smaller, private colleges all over the country (my own current institution included) have exploded in applications over the past few years, prompted by the unbelievable competition of the Ivies and the similar academic experiences students can receive from less classically prestigious schools. Northeastern, for example has been traditionally mocked for its "safety school" status- the poor man's BU, if you will. But in spite of this the number of applications has increased exponentially, as has the rejection rate. It's a fascinating turn of events that makes a curious journalism major wonder what her degree will count for 15 years from now.

Posted by ejohnson at 11:14 AM

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The IRS Says, "Bring It"

Just a friendly reminder that your taxes are due this week. Because I'm sure you aren't sick of hearing it, and are very happy that I reminded you that Uncle Sam's going to come a-knockin and pointing his finger. Right. At. You.

Anyway, they're due the 17th. For once I actually did mine ahead of schedule (no one's more shocked than me) and I now have a tasty $40 to spend. I plan to use it for beer.

God bless America.

Posted by ejohnson at 06:00 PM

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It's Ladies' Night in The Breakroom

Ooh, new link, new link! Come one, come all, and see the website Frugal Mollie, the "financial forum for the millions of modern women who are looking for some financial guidance." There are message boards, articles by experts (or women who just have life experience,) and notices for in-person meetings for those in the forum to discuss living as a modern woman deal with money in a healthy way.

If you're interested, visit the website, or check out the next posted Boston meeting on April 6 at 6 p.m. at the Borders Bookstore in Downtown Crossing. Check it out!

Posted by ejohnson at 07:08 PM

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The End is Nigh... April 15th

I still file the 1040EZ form.

Yes, I know, I can get more money back by filing the 1040, where I get to deduct school and work purchases, blah, blah, blah. But though I am a well-educated, generally savvy individual, I find that that 1040EZ Form stretches my financial capabilities to the very precipice. That, and I never save receipts and I'm generally lazy.

But no matter if you file the 1040, the 1040EZ, the W-4, the 867-5309... wait, no, that's a catchy Jimmy Tutone song. But anyway, however you file, make sure you do even if you owe something, according to Michelle Singletary of the Boston Globe. The fear of having to pay the government every April (while understandable) can lead to tax liens, penalties, and late fees. Which, believe me, are a heck of a lot worse than having to send a couple hundred to The Man. As Singleton said in her article today, "Although the IRS doesn't have the storm trooper reputation it once did, the agency hasn't gone SpongeBob-SquarePants-soft. They will come after you hard."

Posted by ejohnson at 02:46 PM

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Thinking Out of the Cubicle

My darlings! My ducks! My puddings! Over a month since last we spoke- and every moment was as a thousand years. When last we met, I was having a Friday afternoon existential crisis. But after putting my chakras back in their rightful places, and generally sleeping through Spring Break, I am back and ready for action.

So what's going on in my life? Well, to be perfectly honest...I'm not terribly sure. I'm facing the summertime, and pondering what to do with myself once out of classes for the semester (I will not be taking summer classes in a desperate attempt to stave off reality for as long as humanly possible.) So I have a decision: whether to stay in Boston, with its excitement, its beauty, and its exorbitantly high cost of living, or head for quieter (and cheaper) pastures in the wilds of Northwest Ohio. Oh what is a poor slave to the Fourth Estate to do?

And then, of course, the pivotal question that must arise: once I decide where I'm going to live, what on Earth will I do? I've realized that in addition to my part-time internships, I'm going to need another well-paying job with which to feed and clothe myself, not to mention save moolah for next school year. I have my beloved place here, of course, which I will keep until boston.com decides they've had enough of my tomfoolery. But I do this for love, not money, and so must run headlong back into the job market, to find a place to answer phones and hone my conflict-resolution skills.

In my processes of finding gainful employment, I have often sought advice from my dear papa, who is himself a job counselor, as well as a ship aficionado and all-around good guy. He's helpful especially when it comes to thinking outside the box- beyond, say the waitress/secretary/cashier summer gigs. He's showed me that if you are tired of the same old routine every summer, to try something new, with the help of bulletin boards, a few good connections, and the almighty Craigslist.

Work for an Elderly Person

This is a good idea for those in sociology, nursing, or human services. There are many elderly people who may be spry and social, but need help with their groceries or driving to doctors' appointments. Lots of people can either give you free room and board in exchange for your help, or will pay you to come and run errands, etc. Check out an example at Lisa's Hands of Time.

House sit:

It's like Risky Business… without the brothel. Or the gambling. Or pre-insanity Tom Cruise dancing in his underwear. Ok, so it's nothing like Risky Business. But if one needs a place to stay, there are people willing to give you houseroom in exchange for watering the plants, walking the dog, and making sure they don’t get robbed while they’re in the Bahamas. This is a good idea for those who like to be on the move, with little in the way of personal belongings, and can save you thousands in rent money. If you're a sublet kind of person, this could be an option for you. Check out housecarers.com where for a small fee you can create a profile and search for people who need a house sitter.

Work on a cruise ship:

Flirt with CFOs for tips… without the sexual harassment suit. If you have charm, a love of boats and are immune to seasickness you may want to try getting a job on a small cruise boat. There are several in Boston harbor, which do corporate events, parties and tourist pleasure cruises. The tips can be fantastic, the job is in the open air, and you’ll have plenty of booze cruise stories at the end of it. Check out Spirit City Cruises and Massachusetts Bay Lines.

Check craigslist:

Yes, I'm aware that craigslist is chock-full of "job offers" that are…less than virtuous. Obviously, the guy who’s advertising for a "live-in female companion under 25" is not the type you want as your employer. But there are scads of legitimate jobs that are just crazy enough to be refreshing. On any given day, there can be postings for dog walkers, telemarketers, promotions distributors, baby sitters, goat herders and psychics. Check out boston.craigslist.com.

Posted by ejohnson at 10:25 PM

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Ode to a Friday Afternoon

I am in a total Google Search Mode Haze

You know what I’m talking about. The effect of several hours of Internet surfing on a lazy Friday, specifically on one’s perception of reality. Hours spent bent over the keyboard, the methodic clacking of the keys and mouse luring me into a hypnotic state. I have haircut appointment next week, I think. I better look up hairstyles to see what I want. I type “short+hairstyles+manageable,” and gaze on as the entire worldly knowledge of short, manageable hairstyles whirls before me. But wait, I need a summer internship… back to Google, “summer+internships+boston.” I search for a while, then remember I’m not sure if I’m staying in Boston over the summer. “summer+internships+Toledo”….

But wait! If I am in Boston, I might get a sublet. To Craigslist, ho! On Craigslist, looking at the exorbitant amount people want for a large closet and “cozy nook”(read: cannot stand fully upright and keep bumping head on the crown molding).. then I meander over to the “Casual Encounters” section for some absurdist comedy. I will not repeat what was written there, but the strange preponderance of the words “riding crop” and “lunchtime fun” will surely make for some bizarre and unfortunate dreams tonight. Ewwwww I can’t believe people write these things...

I know what you’re thinking. What on Earth am I doing wasting time at work like this? I should be fired immediately! But this is Friday, darlings. More accurately, the end of the day on Friday- the critical last hour and a half where all the work that can be done has been done. The boss has checked out early so he can go home and change before a dinner with his wife and their friends. We’re “minding the store,” as it were, running out the clock until we can go home and nap before going out with friends to dance and drink and flirt until the work week is but a distant memory. So there we are, all of us, our noses to the computer screen, typing in things like “tips+save+money” and “Buenos Aires+vacation.” It’s our Google-supported fantasy world, a place of escape. We are wholly in this world. We pay no attention to the land outside. We can barely tear our eyes away to look at a co-worker’s latest hilarious YouTube find. We have no time for his fantasy.

And then our eyes flick to the tiny digital clock in the corner of the screen. 5:03. Time to go at last, to hear the delicious sound of the clock punching our timecard, and move to the door as we drag on our padded coats and hats and scarves. We turn off the lights. We lock the door. We chat sleepily in the elevator about what we’re going to do once we regain full consciousness. We wave at the security guard in the lobby, open door and feel the divine blast of cold air on our faces. We breathe non-recycled air. We are free.

We remember about that one document that needed to be signed. We were too busy with planning our South American getaway and forgot.

Oh well. It can wait until Monday.

Posted by ejohnson at 05:26 PM

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Real women box alone

After spending some time in the corporate world, my best friend and I were laughing yesterday about how unrealistic it is to see gym workout scenes in movies and television shows with women who are supposedly high-powered achievers.

For example, my friend, who works for a fairly large political firm but likes to work out at the Y, laughs at the way Boston gyms are portrayed in movies like "Fever Pitch". The film showed Drew Barrymore and her affluent friends standing around a punching bag in a high-end gym in broad daylight, and eventually Drew punches her friend. Barrymore is supposedly an upwardly mobile ad exec. The ad execs I know either

a) go jogging at dawn, before work, because they don't even have time to go to the gym to use the treadmills before their day starts at 8:30 a.m.
b) exercise in the evening, and usually do so in a less-than-lackadaisical way, choosing to either slam their bodies up down on a cardio machine, sweat like mad in an intense power yoga studio, or work out in a scrappy boxing gym where there are real coaches to train them.

If you're a woman who's interested in working out, you aren't going to waste a lunch hour getting hot and sweaty if you're not going to take it seriously, because you have to blow-dry your hair and apply makeup again. For these 3 women to stand around on a weekday chatting around a punching bag (and ask yourself: when was the last time you saw a punching bag in any gym?) is insane. This kind of character would be more likely spend lunch eating salad at her desk and checking her email, because that's obviously where her priorities are at.

Which brings me to my next point: chicks like that do not box. At all. Even for pretends. And if they did so, they would not do it with their friends. Chicks like that run on elliptical machines and read People. They do ridiculous exercises involving colored balls better left in the giant grocery store cages from which they emerged. The punching bag scene only exists so that Drew can punch her catty friend in the face to stop her constant carping, but chicks like that don't punch their friends. They pointedly forget to invite said friends to the gym in the first place, because women gymgoers don't like to work out with judgemental peers. They like to work out with people who are in slightly worse shape than they are and who won't mind if they jam out to their iPods instead of talking. And any girl who has the gumption to get sweaty at lunch and the cajones to punch her friends in the face when they bug her--if she boxes at all, she boxes alone (see "Girlfight").

---

Meanwhile, as I am a yoga practitioner and have abandoned the gym for the reasons listed above, I think the portrayal of yoga on "Sex and the City" is pretty silly. The four women are almost constantly talking in their yoga class, which is impossible to do in a regular yoga class, because

a) You're supposed to breathe. That's like Rule Numero Uno of yoga. Even first-timers are schooled in this basic precept. Talking equals failure to breathe.
b) These four women always seem to be somewhere close to the front row, which is a statement of self that says "I'm okay with you staring at me for the whole class, because I am really yogic and won't mess up." Someone who makes that kind of class placement decision would never talk in class, because they've unconsciously set themselves up to be a good example. It's weird, but true.
c) The stressed-out students who populate the kinds of studios where wealthy, stylish women would go to practice would never stand for four people talking amongst themselves. They would give them withering glares, then start to breathe pointedly like horses in a stable; eventually, one of them would get a foot in the face during Flip Dog.

---

My final point: women with bodies of the caliber shown on "Fever Pitch" and "Sex and the City" would be unable to maintain their killer physiques with these poor workout habits. The real actresses who play them most likely have grueling workout regimes, the details of which would be too horrible to discuss here. I'm surprised that they don't throw down these scripts and say, "No! My character is supposedly a heartless, ruthless corporate headhunter who chews men and women up and spits them out. She would never set foot in a yoga studio, and more importantly, she would never leave the gym until her 1,000 crunches and 50 lunges were done. Only Rosie O'Donnell could act like this at the gym and still be a realistic character."

I'm just sayin'. If you're gonna represent a powerful working woman like the ones I know and love, do it right. Give her an iPod with something borderline-dorky blasting, like the Black Eyed Peas or Britney, make her wear her favorite black sweats and her "Boston Marathon" t-shirt from '03 instead of a perfect Lululemon outfit, and let her sweat. And if she must be in a boxing situation, remember this: real women box alone.

Posted by Ryan Rose at 02:48 PM

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Losing touch with the touchdowns: the transformation of a former football fan

Celebrating the Superbowl has changed a lot for me in the last five years. And it's all Boston's fault.

I'm not sure if it's just me--because let's face it, we've come a long way when Britney Spears' rock-hard abdomen has now given rise to two children and a lawsuit, and the best the halftime show can do to replace her is to bring in a tiny '80s pop star with ambiguous sexuality and cape-wearing backup dancers. Aren't the Stones still touring? Wouldn't that have sufficed?

Okay, so I think I may share this viewpoint with the rest of the country. But inside, I think I am no longer suited for the Superbowl. A slow change, wrought by living in a city with a slew of gourmet food stores and high general IQ, has transformed me from a Suburban Football Fan into an Aloof Boston Professional. Like the nuclear sludge that turned a handful of turtles into a quarted of spaced-out ninjas, the ambiance of this city has changed me into a being with a higher consciousness, a much cooler outfit and some interesting talents I picked up from the wise teachers I've had here--but it has robbed me of the inability to enjoy the things I used to love when I was a simpler creature, such as playing Flip Cup in a cold basement.

One day, the Ghost of Superbowls Past is going to come along and find me at my desk, belaboring a lede and secure in the knowledge that a sushi roll and a stick of sandalwood incense awaits me in my apartment. He will take me away and show me what I've been missing, and the contrast between yesterday's Superbowl experience and one from five years ago will be stark and telling. I can see the scenes unfolding now:

Scene one: The pre-game ritual
Five years ago: I wake up early. I find my super-cool "Seniors" hoodie tumbling around in my dryer (it was great to have the use of laundry facilities that didn't cost $5 a load, I will reflect while watching myself with the Ghost) and put it on. Outside, a car honks: it's my high school friends, waiting in a red beat-up Jeep in the driveway (it was great to have more than one friend with a car, I think). We stop at the grocery store to pick up Lays Potato Chips and Bison dip. We all pile into the home of a friend whose parents have scored last-minute tickets to the Superbowl in another state (as this is Buffalo, we know our team will not be one of the two sparring today). At 10 a.m., we crack open a cold one, take the hot dogs out of the freezer to thaw, and turn on some Dave Matthews Band. It's eight hours til kickoff, but who's counting? We've got enough burgers and beer to last us until tomorrow, right?

This year: I schedule a coffee meeting at 11 a.m. because I have forgotten it is Superbowl Sunday. I sip a grande vanilla mocha latte with my companion, and we discuss art galleries and a friend's nonfiction work-in-progress. I no longer eat meat, so I snack on a bowl of berries and granola. On my way home, I call some friends and invite them to come over. They agree on the basis of the fact that they "like watching the commercials." Unfortunately, none of us know what time the game starts, so I tell them to look it up. I stop at the local co-op to pick up organic avocados and soy-based mayo substitute make homemade guacamole for my "party." At home, I do some yoga while waiting for my guests. Within fifteen minutes of arriving, they are bickering over whether the guacamole needs more lemon pepper or garlic salt. As a result, we miss the kickoff.

Scene two: Which team are you rooting for?
Five years ago: Five guys are gathered around a smoky pool table, using a complicated form of sports calculus to determine which team is appropriate to cheer for based on their degrees of separation from our hometown team. As always, in a nod to U.S. early-90s foreign policy, the "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" theory is employed by someone who suggests that whoever has most recently beaten the Dolphins is eligible to be "our" team for the evening. Finally, after much deliberation, a side is chosen. Using a formula that is just as arbitrary-but-meaningful ("Well, my cousin lives in Boulder, so I guess I'll root for the Broncos") a minority of people choose the opposing team "so that it will still be fun."

This year: The Colts and the Bears were playing, but no one could remember which cities they came from or what their histories were. We settled on the Bears based on an esoteric Saturday Night Live skit in which the protagonist (who was a much better football fan than we were) constantly thought about "Da Bears." We repeat this phrase whenever anything happens and count that as "cheering." Even when they fumble. Or injure themselves. We just don't know what's going on. Daaaaaaaaa bears.

Scene three: The beer run
Five years ago: By 2 p.m., the keg's "tapped" and the tower of Natural Ice 30-packs purchased by someone's older brother has been reduced to a rubble. The three most recently-arrived and therefore sober guests are appointed to bring more back. "What should I get?" they ask. The resounding response from the crowd comes in a unified roar: "Something cheap!" The result is like something out of Willy Wonka's liquor cabinet: Sprite, Mike's Hard Lemonade, Parrot's Bay, Rolling Rock. Nothing matches or mixes, but everyone just makes a face and downs it anyway.

This year:
"I think we have some Shiraz left over from New Year's, don't we?" I asked my boyfriend while out shopping. "Yes, and plenty of Blue Moon and Birra Rossi," he replied. Just to be safe, I picked up some Amstel on my way home at Trader Joe's. But then, we realized that we had beer imported from Belgium, Italy, and Holland--but nothing domestic. This did not seem "appropriate," so someone picked up some "traditional beverages": Bud Light and PBR. Unfortunately, my female friends refused to drink this, so it was consumed in mass quantities by the only sports fan in attendance. Come to think of it, I can understand why.

Scene four: Trash-talking
Five years ago: the conversation before halftime is about the recent loss of Flutie to the San Diego Chargers. "They're nothing without him, man--he was their heart and soul!" someone says. "Are you kidding? No, man we have a really good defense this year. One man can't carry the whole team," another Bills fan interjects. Suddenly, the crowd on television cheers, and everyone turns to watch. The QB is gunning down the field. Then, he fumbles. "Whoa, whoa, what's he doing?" someone shouts. "What's he doing?" Then, the predictions start. "I bet he's going to use the Hail Mary play." Later, this prediction comes true. "What did I tell you, dude? What did I tell you! They used that one in '83."

This year: The conversation before halftime is about Prince's musical influences and choice of material. "Of course he's derivative of Jimi Hendrix," someone intones. "But Jimi wasn't, like, that flamboyant," says the girl who refused to drink the Bud Light. "He reminds me more of Little Richard." The other person shakes her head. "Almost everyone is derivative of Little Richard. He probably inspired Jimi Hendrix. And what do you mean, Hendrix was not that flamboyant? Did you not see his performance on Woodstock? Dude." Suddenly, the crowd on television--composed only of suspiciously high-pitched female voices--cheers, and everyone turns to watch. Prince is strutting out onto a giant symbol representing himself, wearing a doo-rag. "What is he doing?" someone groans. "What is he doing?" Then, the predictions start. "It's raining -- I bet he's going to play 'Purple Rain.'" Later, this prediction comes true. "Dude, what did I tell you? I told you he was going to play that song." Someone else interjects. "Didn't he sing that one in like, '83?"

Scene five: Post-game denouement
Five years ago: after a day spent choking down cheap malt beverages and inhaling half of a farmyard with ketchup, everyone is too tired to get off the couch when the game ends. Weak motions are made to arrange for rides home, as no one is fit to drive; football pool monies are dutifully doled out. At least ten people gather quietly around the table to mourn the inevitable end of Monday Night Football. The other ten step outside for a cigarette. Eventually, someone turns on a Seinfeld rerun.

This year: no one notices that the game is over. Finally, someone breaks away from a stimulating discussion on the number of calories in the beer and pizza we just consumed to ask, "Who won?" Someone who's not "da bears," the lone sports-loving guy tells us. We shrug. No one wants to go home--there's still another pizza and a rumor of some Ben and Jerry's organic ice cream in the fridge--so we discuss what we'll do next. Then my boyfriend asks, "Does anyone want to watch some Aqua Teen [Hunger Force]?"

That, I think, seals it. According most major media news outlets, we are "mainstream" no longer. And there's no going back.

I can accept this. But please, Ghost of Superbowl Future, please don't show me what's in store for next year's halftime show. With the way things are going, it will probably be Boy George and Vanilla Ice.

Posted by Ryan Rose at 06:30 PM

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Decadence: addendum

In addition to the free options below, I have just received this bulletin from a journalism friend who shares my knack for free stuff, but apparently stays out later than me (all of this free pimpin' ain't easy--I tucker out around midnight). News, the after-hours club downtown owned by Frank DePasquale (the Italian-food mogul who runs Mare, Bricco, and Gelateria), offers a free three-course meal for ladies on Wednesday night. Allegedly, there's no catch, although they've been known to do a hard sell on martinis, according to some reviewers on Yelp.com. Apparently, you can go as early as 5:30, but I'd estimate that penniless-hipster o'clock starts around 9 p.m.

See you Wednesday.

Posted by Ryan Rose at 01:40 PM

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Decadence on a dime

Emily had some good advice recently for saving money--which is not only important while you are in college, but also immediately following your graduation. Your student loans aren't cushioning your bank account anymore, and you may actually have to think about paying them back. You may have the part-time job you held in college, but it likely pays the rent and not much more. Obviously, the best solution to an impoverished situation is getting a Real Job, but this process can take a while; the bigger and better the company, the more glacial the pace of their hiring process. In the meantime, that penchant for Pinot Noir is not going to pay for itself, darling!

But simply because your bank account is running low does not mean that you are out of luck or resources, or that you cannot live in the manner to which you have become accustomed. You simply have be more creative (especially if, like me, you cannot give up coffee as Emily suggests--in that case, see #5). Here is what I've learned from four years as a poor kid in an expensive city.

Tip #1: A night of art and wine - gratis

On the first Friday of every month--including this Friday, Feb. 2--the galleries at 450 Harrison Avenue, including the SoWa artist guild, open up to the public with a big party, aptly named First Friday. The independent artists in 450 Harrison open their bedroom-sized studios to show what they have been working on for the past month, and the larger commercial galleries below reveal carefully curated exhibits of artists they are supporting.

It's all free of charge, and as many galleries offer a cheap bottle of wine in the back room and a bowl of M&Ms for the noshy crowds, you can make a night of it by bouncing from gallery to gallery, sampling each artist's chosen varietal of Two Buck Chuck, chatting up the cute MassArt students, staring glaze-eyed at the works of thread, wire, and film, and window-shopping the beautiful jewelry and sculptures (which you will later purchase once you land the Real Job). The combination of starving artists and wealthy patrons will make you realize that it's not so bad to fall somewhere in the middle.

Tip #2: A wise man once said, "If you let your designer jeans go out into the world, and designer jeans return to you, it means that they are truly yours."

This may or may not be true, but what we're actually talking about is working with consignment stores. Everyone's gathered up unused clothing for charity, but now, you're the one that needs a little help--a lot more than you need that pair of too-small Sevens. So check in with the consignment stores in your area to see what kinds of clothing they are currently accepting (usually they are looking for the next season's styles, so think spring for February) and what brands they like and dislike (certain stores do not accept clothing from "mall stores" or clothing that is more than two years old). They'll take your unwanted clothes and sell them for you, and the money you make (usually 50 percent of the sale price) will either go directly to you or into an account with the store.

After you've dropped off your duds, you can check back periodically to see how much you've earned; then, you can turn around and spend that on something else in the store. The worst that can happen is that your item will not sell, and you will either be asked to come pick it up (and you can give it another go on eBay) or the store will donate it to charity for you--saving you an errand.

Tip #3: Getting into your Tree Pose for free

At 12 to 20 bucks a class (or more), pursuing your passion for dance or yoga is a bit beyond your budget. The good news is that several dance studios and yoga studios in town offer a work-exchange program in which you can perform services and receive free classes. Some studios ask their volunteers to help with maintenance, such as taking out trash and recycling, washing mats and blocks or even helping behind the front desk. This opportunity is usually offered to long-time students whom the studio trusts, but if you show a willingness to work and you are reliable, you may still land a gig as a volunteer employee. If you think about it, it's very yogic--you are serving your fellow man and receiving enlightenment (and a good stretch) in return.

So ask your preferred studio if they offer work exchange (not all of them advertise it to the public). If they don't have a current program, suggest that you might be a great test case (be sure to think of specific things you can do to help). Certain studios also offer first-time-free classes or special rates for beginners, so you may be able to extend your practice by sampling many studios in the city. That way, when you land a Real Job, you'll know whether you want to blow your paycheck on pursuing Vinyasa, Kripalu, capoeira or tap-dancing.

#4 Dinner and a movie for next to nothing

One of the things that you excise from your routine when you're low on dough is the $10 big-screen movie and $30 post-movie dinner with cocktails. And that sucks, because doing dinner and a movie is one of life's great pleasures. But this doesn't mean that you have to disappear from the world of pop culture and socializing.

First of all, you can still get free videos--that one's easy. Every local library has a stock of decent DVD's, and they're not all PBS specials. Most importantly, they represent a way to expend minimal effort for maximum gain. So pick up a free DVD, and on your way home, call your friends. Tell them you're showing a special double feature of Office Space and Gladiator to celebrate your lack of a corporate job, and you're making dinner. If they aren't polite enough to pick up on the hint, ask them each to bring something: cookies, popcorn, beer, whatever. Then, stop at the store and grab a refrigerated pizza crust (about $1 at Trader Joe's), some marinara sauce (about $2 anywhere), some cheese if you need it, and head home to poke through your refrigerator. Put anything you can find on top of the pizza crust (this is assuming that your refrigerator does contain food). I've made it gourmet with asparagus, lemons and pesto; I've gone South with black beans and corn; you can even yuppify it by sprinkling arugula and lemon juice on top. It's actually very hard to screw up a pizza, and it feeds the masses with little effort or expense. (If you do need an easy recipe with few ingredients, however, try this site for "Busy Cooks" at About.com.)

When your friends arrive, slice up the $3 pizza, crack a free beer, pop a free cookie in your mouth and a free DVD in the machine, and kick back and enjoy. Congratulations--you've spent under $10 for dinner and a movie, for yourself and all of your friends. Take that, Loews.

Tip #5 Instant karma is going to get you ... a grande caramel macchiato.

Every unemployed actor knows this trick: if you're still holding down a part-time job as a barista or a bartender while you wait for your callback-slash-big break, maximize this opportunity to make friends and influence people. Sharing food is a great way to make friends and repay favors.

Case in point: A friend of mine has been working for a coffee shop for over six years, and while some may harass him over his lack of a Real Job, he now has the run of the place. And his shop happens to be in close proximity to a number of bars. People who work in bars need coffee at all hours of the day and night to stay awake; people who work in coffee shops need a strong drink at the end of the day to shake off a day spent serving caffeine-deprived suits with Real Jobs. My friend makes sure that his pals at the local watering hole get an extra shot of espresso when they order; they make sure that he gets a nice heady Guinness with a side of homemade Irish cream at the end of the night, just the way he likes it.

The underlying principle of all this advice is that there's no such thing as a free lunch, but there is more than one way to pay for a dinner. The experience of being poor is not about pinching pennies, but about finding whole new ways to give. Whether it's extra clothing, extra time, or extra kindness, if you mete those things out consciously and carefully, you will always get more than you bargained for. And understanding that is one skill that really will help you land a Real Job.

Posted by Ryan Rose at 10:47 AM

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College Saving Skills (Not Involving Ramen)

As Prior Walter in Tony Kushner’s Angels in America said, “I am known, where I am known, as one cool, collected queen.” I have done my best throughout my college years to adhere to this mentality. I opt, when I can, for a zen-like existence, taking ups and downs one day at a time, accepting those things which I cannot change, having the courage to change the things… well, you get the idea.

But, unfortunately, when it comes to my money, I am a demented banshee.

While I have been lucky enough to muddle through college tuition on scholarships, loans and sparkling charm, I am pretty much on my own for the day to day expenses. The parental units are always at the ready in case of emergencies, but I like the feeling of independence that comes from living on one’s own industry. Needless to say co-op was a great time: 40 hours a week at a livable wage. I was able to purchase everything I needed and even squirreled some away for when the bagmen come knocking on my door after graduation. It was a time of bucolic prosperity.

Then I started classes and it all went to pot.

First there were book purchases. Then credit cards to pay off. Then groceries, and school supplies. Then my laptop monitor broke, and I had to buy a desktop screen on sale (after which the laptop monitor miraculously fixed itself.) Then the phone bill came due. Then I remembered I had to pay back the parental units for the Christmas flight home. Then I wept openly as my nest egg lay broken and bleeding on the floor.

But all is not lost! I thought. I am working very, very part-time at my old co-op, as well as Xerox-jockeying at an office on campus. I knew I had to find a way to live on what I was making now, and re-save the money for the bagmen. It was the dreaded time that plagues most of us around the New Year: it was budget time.

There are massive amounts of information on how to save money, of course (our dear friend and comrade Ryan already gave you a tutorial on scouring the BPL stacks for job advice tomes, and budget books are no different.) But while puttering about the interweb I came across some rather original ideas to getting a bit of spare change in your pocket. Here are a few that seem specially designed for people who are living paycheck to paycheck, as most college students are. Some I found, and some are my own ingenious creations.

1. Play money games with yourself.

There are endless forms of money games. The common one is to take a form of legal tender (a $5 bill, for instance) and sock it away every time you come across one. One woman spoke on MSN of how she and her husband saved for their vacation by putting aside every new, colorful, holographic $20 bill they received. It can be anything: any $1, every Connecticut state quarter you come across in your travels. Every little bit helps.

2. Respect your elders.

Talk to your grandparents about what they did to save money. Many of them faced the Great Depression, which defined their spending and saving habits in many ways. They can give you wonderful bits of advice about how to have a little to save when you really think there is nothing to forfeit.

3. All unexpected cash goes into savings- no excuses.

At my co-op, I occasionally had the opportunity to pick up extra money by flyering on the street, help accounting move documents on a Saturday, etc. I made the decision that since this money wasn’t in my budget as my regular paycheck was, I could just throw it in my savings account like I never knew it was there. It added up extremely quickly.

4. Do not shop for fun.

I love to shop. While the pants section of the department store usually makes me bemoan those hours I spent in front of the computer gorging on Oleos, my friends and I love to go out together and be girls on the town. I didn’t want to give up the quality time with my friends, but I also really can’t afford to “hang out” on Newbury Street anymore. So I still go out with my friends- but I leave the debit and credit cards at home. I take a little cash to make a small purchase and then can enjoy the sights of the city without the incidentals.

5. You may think you’re saving, but what’s that Starbucks cup doing on your desk?

I know, it’s really hard. You’re used to popping into the corner coffee shop every morning for your caffeine fix. You’re used to grabbing a greasy burger on your way to class. It’s your routine! And it doesn’t cost that much....

Actually it does. After tallying up everything I’d spent over the past few months, I was completely shocked to realize that most of my money went to small purchases- a latte here, a slice of pizza there. Not only does it add to the despair I feel in the swimsuit section, it also eats up a sizable chunk of my spending money. So, believe me, I know it’s hard. But make your coffee at home. Make your own dinner. Resist the temptation of DVD sales at Best Buy. They cost more than you think.

Other people, far smarter than me, who also have ideas!

Bankrate.com: Money Management Tips for College Students

Scholarships Around the U.S.: 118 Ways to Save Money in College

MSN Money: 20 Ways to Save on a Shoestring

Posted by ejohnson at 11:11 PM

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New year, new resume

After having the same resume for nearly 3 years, I thought it was time for an update.

I wish I had thought of it before--because then I would have found www.resumetemplates.org much sooner.

While the site name is unassuming and sounds uninspiring, it actually provides a helpful step-by-step guide to making your cover letter and resume great. It also answers some of those age-old "do I or don't I..?" questions that come along with resumes. (Should I always write an "objective" statement at the top? In what order should I list my information? Should my references be on a seperate sheet?)

The site also includes sample resumes for several professions on file, as well as advice for job interviews and a thank-you note template.

Now all you have to do is figure out a way to cram everything you've done in your lifetime onto one attractively bulleted piece of paper (www.resumetemplates.com hint: use Arial font, and shrink the sizes between lines to 8 point.)

Posted by Ryan Rose at 09:43 AM

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BPL blues

I recently found myself in the "vocational guidance" section of the Boston Public Library, trying to dig up a particular author who lives in Boston. I couldn't find the book I had come to read (once I do, you'll hear about it on this blog), but I did notice that this particular section of the library was full of interesting (read: insane) book titles.

Workplace advice is a saturated field, as well as an unusually messy section of the BPL (people on the hunt for a job apparently have little patience for the sanctity of the venerable Dewey Decimal system). So it seems like book publishers have really gone all out to stand out--with dubious results.

Some samples you may enjoy:

Just Because I'm Latin Doesn't Mean I Mambo (A book on the perils of being an ethnic minority in the American workplace.)

If You Really Want to Make God Laugh, Show Him Your Business Plan (Would a benevolent God really laugh at my pitifully mortal ideas? I wondered. Wouldn't He just tactfully suggest that they might need some revisions?)

Is It Too Late to Run Away and Join the Circus? (Has this alternative ever been truly attractive to anyone who was not born into a family of trapeze artists?)

Shameless Marketing for Brazen Hussies (I was scared to investigate this one. I'm not even sure it's allowed under First Amendment laws.)

Eat or Be Eaten (and a variety of other menacing-sounding marketing books with adjectives like "guerilla" and "predatory." Who knew that direct-mail campaigns could be so dangerous? Or so vaguely sexy?)

Escape from Cluelessness (Because of the highly paradoxical nature of this title, somehow I doubt that the book will ever get into the hands of those who truly need it.)

Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite (...Unless you happen to think that hard work, punctuality, good manners and a professional wardrobe are probably important in the workplace.)

And finally, a title which almost everyone must gaze upon eventually, wistfully:

Delaying the Real World

Posted by Ryan Rose at 01:11 PM

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Toto, I Don’t Think We’re On Co-Op Anymore

I start classes in three days.

I feel rather like Dorothy coming back from Oz. See, I’ve lived in a fantasy world for half a year. It's a world where I can pay for almost anything I desire, where I’m done with work by 5:30 p.m., and am free as a bird until the following morning. My weekends, instead of dedicated to studying and writing papers on the dominant themes of James Joyce, were instead wiled away with trips to the beach in the summer, walks in the park, shopping at the farmer’s market, buying massive amounts of knock-off runway fashions at H&M. I ate my lunch in Copley Square. I joked with my work mates. I learned about PR and made some wonderful connections in the industry.

But like Oz, the coop experience was not all fun and roses. While the life of an intern may be idle and lovely after normal business hours, it can also be dreadfully dull at times. It may sound strange, but I missed the challenges that college offered me. I missed reading James Joyce. I missed being in class with a talented professor, someone who can inspire you. I missed the energy of being on campus, sitting in the quad desperately trying to memorize pages upon pages of text. And there’s no rushes like one induced after you swallow four caffeine pills and spend all night in the library chewing your way through the complete works of Nietzsche.

Ok, so maybe I’m romanticizing a little. But the point is that I got a taste of the real world- nine to five, Xerox-jockeying our way to the American dream. I know it’s what I want, and I can’t wait to get out in the world to carve out a little piece of life for myself. But I’m very happy to be back in school, an Emerald City in its own peculiar way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go spend my savings on textbooks.

I can’t win. At least not until retirement.

Posted by ejohnson at 08:05 PM

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Life is a beauty pageant--and Mike Perlow has the hair and makeup team

Want a job in TV? Get ready for a real-life beauty pageant.

Mike Perlow, a former sportscaster for NESN, knows the industry all too well: he believes it’s “the greatest one to be in,” but TV can taketh away as easily as it gives, hiring and firing employees based on ratings and "TV looks" over journalism know-how. That’s why Perlow has made the art of landing a job on-air into a science with his employment consultancy, GetATVJob.com. The Web-based business is part finishing-school, part agency, offering everything from $200 “aggressive” job-search planning sessions to $2,000 sessions with full film crews for shooting demos (audition tapes for on-air positions). And soon, Perlow plans to add a hair and makeup team—if only to have someone else on staff to take on the painful task of telling his female clients that they might consider updating their shoulder-pad suit or losing a few pounds (he says he hates to hurt anyone's feelings).

Creating a sideline for himself, even as his popularity as a TV personality grew, turned out to be a smart move for Perlow. After freelancing around the United States, Perlow landed a spot on the New England Sports Network (NESN), where he went on to write, report, produce, and anchor a variety of shows; he later received several Associated Press (AP) awards and even an Emmy.

And then the station replaced him. With a woman.

Now Perlow has found himself in the job search trenches with his clients—but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, he said. It only means that he takes his own advice more seriously. Throughout our conversation, he emphasizes the importance of the inner pep talk—and in not taking television too personally.

“If you can’t handle what comes with this field, you shouldn’t work in it. People are hired and fired for random reasons—and for every job that I haven’t gotten for weird reasons, there are jobs where I have gotten it for weird reasons,” he said. “There’s a lot of timing and luck and persistence that comes with these situations. I know something good is going to come along.”

Perlow said that this attitude is the only thing an on-air reporter really requires--even in an industry that seems too often to value superficial things (perfectly coiffed hair, for example) over substance (solid reporting and writing).

“I’ve worked with hundreds of people at this point [as their consultant], and I’m amazed at how many people want to get into television, but lack so much of that drive that you need,” he said. “People want to sit down, they want to wave a magic wand and have a job appear. You have to show some persistence.”

Much of Perlow’s advice is applicable to almost any job search: stay positive, disciplined and professional. After all, television work is, in many ways, a microcosm of the working world, where many people are hired or dismissed for arbitrary reasons--but where a secret talent or two can help differentiate you from the other 'contestants.' Or as Olive’s big brother fumes in Little Miss Sunshine: “Life is just one f---ing beauty pageant after another.”

So, below, we’ve included a rundown of Perlow’s most successful $200 job tips to help you in your search.

--Approach your job search like it’s your job. “I have very few days where I am sitting around wondering, ‘What am I going to do today?’” said Perlow. “The biggest challenges for [recent college graduates] are that when you leave college, every school wants to give you their ‘You’re our alumni, we want to take care of you,’ but you’re really on your own,” Perlow said. “You come from a structured environment [in college], and when you’re on your own, you really have to have the discipline to stay on your job search. No matter how much work they do with me [at GetATVJob.com], the people that don’t succeed with me are those that go at it really hard for a couple weeks and then give up.”

--Remember that the best jobs are never posted. “Web sites should be the last layer of your job search. [Employers] are required to post jobs for [equal opportunity] purposes, but by the time they’re posted, they’ve either hired somebody or they know who they’re going to hire,” Perlow said. Instead, build your own network by calling potential employers and asking for a few moments of their time to conduct an informational interview. Perlow has his clients working the phones constantly as part of their “aggressive” job search; even if only 30 percent agree to see the client, he said, it’s an excellent way to find out about opportunities. “Then when a job does come up, they say, ‘Hey, remember that guy who came in a few months ago? I liked his tape, and we do have a sportscaster leaving now...maybe we should call him," Perlow said.

--Don’t be dissuaded by long-distance job searches—set up a road trip to visit potential employers, one by one.This tactic was what landed Perlow his first job at a Vermont station: he arranged a tour of several states in New England, dropping his demo tapes at each one. The scheduled trip made his job search affordable by eliminating the need for several plane tickets, and gave him the perfect excuse to see many employers. Said Perlow: “You can give them a call and say ‘Hi, my name is Mike, and I’m actually going to be in Bangor next week—I was wondering if you might have time to meet with me?’”

--Don’t believe that your good looks, charm or killer wardrobe will carry you once you land a job—even in television. While that might get you in the front door, they’ll be rushing you out the back door soon enough if you can’t deliver the goods. The only thing with any sticking power, as Perlow knows, is talent. “I’ve had clients who had a great TV look and had lots of opportunities, but fell flat on their faces because they didn’t know what to do when they got there. They couldn’t deal with the deadline pressure,” Perlow said. “Even though they looked really good, they came across horribly.”
(I also considered an alternate tagline for this item: "Don't depend on your beautiful 'TV eyes'--or you'll just come across as a Stooge." Luckily, I tossed that out.)

--Make sure your application materials highlight real-life experience—in many industries, especially Perlow’s, this comes even before education on a resume. (And unless you’re applying for The Man Show, leave out “captain of the cheerleading squad.”) “I am appalled at what resumes look like coming out of college. I could wallpaper my condo with the bad resumes I’ve seen. And a lot of them have been worked on by the college’s Career Services,” Perlow said. “The most important thing on your resume was where you worked and what you did: they know they’re going to have to teach you some things, but they don’t want to have to teach you everything. Somebody can be a member of 20 million clubs, but if they’re coming to me for a job without any hands-on experience, they have to really wow me as a person.”

--Be realistic about what you’re willing to do for a job. “If you don’t want to move to the middle of nowhere, be honest with yourself. I had friends who studied broadcasting all through school, and the day after graduation, they realized they wanted to live in Boston, or New York. They made a career change before they started their career,” said Perlow. “I think coming out of college, most people can’t afford to be picky [but] that doesn’t mean that everybody should jump at the first job offer they get.”

--However, DO consider as many job offers as possible. “Job offers can be few and far between. Most people if they get a job offer, they have to consider it unless it’s a horrible choice,” said Perlow. “If you’re looking for that first opportunity, be ready to jump on it when it comes. Sometimes it’s two weeks later, sometimes it’s six months later. I tell people ‘What’s the worst that could happen? Unless you’re under contract, if it doesn’t work out, you leave.’”

--When it doesn’t work out, take the high road away from a bad situation. Even employment consultants have their own horror stories about getting fired—but they’re smart enough to keep quiet about them. “Unfortunately in television, you have not-so-pleasant departures from situations. I had a really bad experience when I left my station down in Fort Worth, but I never talk about it,” Perlow said. “I left there with my head held high, and I think people respected me for that.”

--No matter what you studied in college, there is no substitute for real-life experience in the field. “My first boss still jokes with me that I tried to show the photographer that I could shoot better than him,” Perlow said. “Basically, this first job is your first foray into professional work. As much as you know, there’s so much more you can learn.” Perlow also recommends that it’s better to get some work experience than to return to graduate school. “I would never discourage someone from being more educated, but if you want to work as a reporter, go get a job as a reporter. I always walk the line with that, but if they’re asking me for career advice, to me it’s an easy call.”

--However, DO get some experience in college if you can. It doesn’t bode well for employers if you had the opportunity and passed it up. “I’m always amazed at people who come to me after college and say they want to be a sportscaster but didn’t work at their college radio station or television station. Things got too busy with their fraternity, et cetera,” said Perlow. “ I say to myself, ‘This is all you want to do in life and you didn’t do it for four years?’ If you wanted to be a professional athlete, would you just not play for four years in college and then just hope to become a pro? Of course not.”

--Once you’ve made a contact, keep in contact. “If you make a connection with somebody, don’t let it disappear. That’s a mistake I made, where I made some good contacts but then let them fade into the sunset. Then when you call them two years later, it’s obvious about why you’re calling. I’ve received calls like that too. It doesn’t mean that you won’t help, but it’s less appealing,” said Perlow. Today, Perlow said, one of the most valuable assets that he offers his clients is his own network—he frequently places clients with his own contacts in the industry, who frequently call him with job openings.

And one day, Perlow says, that job opening is going to be his.

For more information (or for tactful advice on your wardrobe), contact Mike at info@getatvjob.com or at 781-640-1912.

Posted by Ryan Rose at 11:38 AM

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Alternatively, Ways You Know It's Time To Stay At The Holiday Party

Hey, Emma, watch it-- I love "My Heart Will Go On." Also, incidentally, "It's All Coming Back To Me Now."

If office parties are all about Celine Dion, then I wish my office would have more parties.

Near, far, wherever you are, you are safe in my heart, and my heart will go on...

Ahem. Enough.

Posted by Leila Sales at 02:14 AM

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Have a Holly Jolly Office Christmas

First of all, a hearty congratulations to my comrade-in-arms Leila for snagging a position in New York City. Though Red Sox Nation will be sad to see you go, we wish you all the best at your new digs and are hoping you’ll regale us with many a story about your employment.

Well, ducklings, the holidays are upon like the proverbial white on rice, and office Christmas parties have been in full flourish over the past two weeks. No doubt your office has already engaged in such heady frivolity, but I figured that after the hangovers have cleared and the embarrassing photos have been published on Flickr, you might need a few pointers for surviving next year’s bash.

Ten Ways You Know It’s Time to Leave the Office Party

1. You’re about to tell your boss exactly what you think of his tupee.

2. The xerox machine is starting to look really comfortable.

3. Thoughts cross your mind such as “Ooh, the karaoke machine. Has anyone sung ‘My Heart Will Go On,' yet?”

4. The more you drink, the more you’re certain that guy/girl in accounting wants to make out with you in the storage closet.

5. You keep tugging on the camera guy’s arm, hoping he’ll take a picture to show the world how glamourous you are.

6. You’ve kicked off your heels, because how else are you going to be able to climb on the conference table while dancing wildly to “Beat It?”

7. You decide to skip the tonic water and just snag the spare bottle of Tanqueray.

8. You find yourself picking the lock to the CEO’s office with the interns. You’re pretty sure there’s some bourbon in there.

9. All of your jokes are hilarious.

10. How did you end up on the floor of the lobby? And why is the Christmas tree lying next to you?

Posted by ejohnson at 03:12 PM

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