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Women's struggles, men's aspirations combine to redefine 'stay-at-home dad'"
By Penelope Trunk, Globe Correspondent, 12/11/05
On websites that cater to dads who put family first, such as slowlane.com, the terms"stay-at-home dad and work-at-home dad are used almost interchangeably."
As more men call themselves stay-at-home dads, they redefine for both men and women what it means to stay home with kids. Men have learned a lot from watching women struggle with home life. The superwoman syndrome of the 1980s squashed the desire to juggle committed parenting with a 60-hour workweek, and the Rolling Stones' lyrics about valium as "mother's little helper" do not fall on deaf ears; raising kids is hard.
So today's stay-at-home dad probably has some kind of work outside of parenting. He might not be earning much money, but he has the wisdom of generations before him to know that the money isn't what matters.
Ted Castro, 34, stays home with his daughters, Giselle, 6, and Claudia, 18 months, while his wife, Nicole Faulkner, also 34, works full time, managing a genetics lab. But if you ask Ted, "What else do you do?" he'll say, "I'm an artist."
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Since the onset of feminism, stay-at-home moms have been incensed by the question "What else do you do?" as if being home with kids were not a full-time job. But today, few people question how difficult taking care of kids is. So stay-at-home dads welcome the question.
"I think the question really means, 'What did you do before you had kids?'." says Castro. "Everyone went through a certain amount of schooling. So the question really means, 'What was your other choice?'."
Castro's other choice was making stained glass. After getting a degree in fine arts and completing an apprenticeship, he built a business making stained glass commissioned by architects. Now he makes only two or three pieces a year, he says, but still calls himself a working artist.
After at least a decade of feuding between stay-at-home moms and working moms, the argument about which is better is dissipating. And in part, this is because men add a fresh perspective. For dads, staying at home is not so much political as practical. "It just grew that way," says Castro of his family setup.
Most men do not set out to be stay-at-home dads. They just want to have quality time with their kids. A survey by American Demographics revealed that 80 percent of male respondents ages 18 to 39 said a flexible job to accommodate kids takes a higher priority than doing challenging work or earning a high salary. The new stay-at-home version of dad is how they reach this goal.
On websites that cater to dads who put family first, such as slowlane.com, the terms stay-at-home dad and work-at-home dad are used almost interchangeably. And it's a gray area as to how many hours per week a dad needs to work outside the home to disqualify himself as an at-home dad. Most significantly, though, the dads don't seem to care about that number.
"Big surprise," some people will say. "Men staying at home with kids is just like men vacuuming - they do the living room and bedroom and never get to the kitchen and den before they get distracted."
But others will see a synergy of the sexes: Just as women in the workplace show men how life can be better there, men at home show women a few means of improvement, as well.
So both men and women can benefit from learning how to create a life that accommodates a new sort of work. Some fundamentals:
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Think part time. "Usually, you have to earn the opportunity to work part time, work at the same company for a while, and develop a certain niche," says Lisa Levey, director of advisory services at Catalyst. "Over time, you can craft something that will work for you." She would know: For years her husband has worked part time so he can be home with the kids.
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Aim high. "We have in our mind that lower status or lower-paying would be easier to balance, but this is not the case," says Phyllis Moen, professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota. "If you think you are taking a job that would give you more time, talk to people in that job."
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Save, save, save. Castro buys clothes at thrift shops and even frequents dumps. "I got a Concept-II rowing machine off the street," he says. "I'll never pay for a piece of exercise equipment again."
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Have faith. "People say my husband is so lucky," Levey says, "but he negotiated and made compromises. Fear dominates the work world now. People need to push back and try to get what they want."
Penelope Trunk can be reached at penelope@penelopetrunk.com
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North of Boston Career Fair
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